Lessons in life come from times when you realize that things aren't what they seem.  Fun times in life come from times when you realize that things aren't what they seem.  Scary times in life come from times when you don't know if things are what they seem.  Hard times in life come when things turn out different than what they seemed.  Life isn't what it seems.  Life can seem that all is calm and all is great when we just never know what lurks around the corner.  Life can be calm one day and then come at you at all directions.  I've learned that all too well this year.  In fact, I've learned too many lessons this year.  More than I've wanted to.  Much more than I've wanted to.  I've faced more trouble than I ever thought I'd have to face. . . and all in a year.  I experienced more feeling this year than I've cared to feel, and I've also just been numb - feeling nothing.  I've tried to stay positive, but I have to admit that I haven't been successful with that attempt.

I really need to take some time and try to learn something from all that I've been through, but I have a hard time trying to reflect on everything.  I don't have the strength to even think about it all, but I NEED to.  I need to for my sanity.  I have so many questions. doubt. bitterness. fear. I hate being this person.  I've never been so negative and bitter in my life, and I have to find a way to forgive or forget . . . Forgive God for trying to take another brother away from me.  Forgive that b*#@! for trying to take my kids away from me.  Forget the fact that we're about to start making two huge house payments.  Forgive my boss for putting me through misery because his "best friend" works for me.  Forgive those who I thought were my friends for disappearing during the toughest year of my life.  (That will be a hard one because that has been the toughest part of all this!  It has been eye-opening to see old friends that I haven't heard from in years find me and those that I thought cared remain silent.  It hurts to know that the people I would've called my best friends a year ago probably only know one of the things I'm going through right now - and that is only because other people fill them in.  It has been a hard pill to swallow.)  Forgive my husband for not understanding what I'm going through.  Forgive myself for having these feelings that I don't think I should have and forget trying to be superwoman.  I don't think I can do all that.  I'm not strong enough.  But then again, if things aren't what they seem, then maybe I'm stronger than I seem . . . I pray that I am.

I'd like to think that I'm not all bitterness.  I am thankful for so many things.  I still have my brother even though it 'seemed' improbable, praise the Lord.  My kids are so wonderful.  I'm thankful that God has blessed us enough to provide for those payments.  And, I am truly blessed to be building the house that we are building and I do realize that God's timing is perfect for his will.  I love my job now that I've fired "the friend."  God has surprised me by showing me that friendships aren't what they seem . . . in both ways.  Even though I had friends that I feel have turned their back on me, I've found friends in places I hadn't thought to look before; friends that I know I could talk to.  Friends that have listened to me vent for the past year and won't judge me for writting something this bitter.  Friends that probably haven't read this far because they know what's going on in my life and they don't have to read my blog to find out.  I am thankful for my husband because he is understading with his "acts of service."  He has done so much for us this past year - I don't know if I'd have clean clothes or clean dishes by now if it weren't for him.  And, I have to be thankful for the strength to have made it this far.  It is definitely not my strength that I'm living on now.

Things aren't always what they seem, and in hard times like these that is a blessing . . . because there is something good coming out of all of this  . . . something that I just can't see yet.

Some time ago, I looked outside to watch the kids play.  They were laughing and running.  They were playing football, so there was an occasional tackle.  When they tackled each other, it resulted in rolling on the ground on top of each other with huge laughs all the while.  Then, they would get up and go at it again. . . never without a smile.  Watching them brought a smile to my lips as the thought crossed my mind that they really loved each other, were truly best friends, and they would always have each other.  They will love each other and help each other through school, other so-called friends, relationships, sins, hard times, and anything that comes up.  That thought gives me comfort knowing that even when I’m no longer around as a mother, they will have each other.  Brothers and sisters are your witness, your partner in crime, your midnight companion.  They are your comforters, role models, motivators, allies.  They may be the only someone who knows when you are smiling, even in the dark, and they may be the only one to sense when you need a shoulder to cry on.  They are your teacher, your defense attorney, your personal press agent, even your shrink.  They are your best friend.  I’ve read proverbs that say that siblings are as close as hands and feet and that a sibling shares childhood memories and grown-up dreams.  Susan Scarf Merrel says that, “Our brothers and sisters are there with us from the dawn of our personal stories to the inevitable dusk.”  I will fail miserably as a mother in so many ways, but aside from teaching my children about a relationship with Jesus, my greatest accomplishment as a mother will be to see my children remain best friends and truly rely on each other through every step of their life.

The bond between brothers and sisters can not be explained to anyone without a sibling.  It is the longest lasting relationship most people have – longer than friends, parents or even spouses.  It may weaken in periods throughout their lives, but it always remains and even intensifies through aging.  The sibling relationship can even be restored after major fights that would have friends separated for life.  I pray this bond will develop and remain with my kids.  I pray that they always love each other and lean on each other and never take it for granted.

Seeing my kids playing also brought tears to my eyes as I prayed that they would always have each other . . . because even though they have each other now, I have learned in such a brutal manner the last several years that that may not always be the case.  The last few weeks I keep replaying a scene in my head.  I remember the night in the hospital that the doctors came out and told us that Daro wouldn’t make it through the night. I remember walking outside with Clendon in just utter shock.  Daro wasn’t even 20 yet.  This wasn’t supposed to happen.  I remember Clendon and me just sitting on the curb crying and holding each other.  I remember thinking that at least Clendon and I would still have each other.  Not too long before that I remember a girl from church dying and thinking how sad it was that her sister was now an only child.  And, I remember thinking that no one should have to go through the pain of this feeling in your chest, the pain in my mind of the thought that your brother or sister may not be around, the pain in your heart of a friendship that should last well into old age is ending much too early.  And yet, here I am just a few years later with that pain that is all too familiar once again in my mind, my heart, my very soul.  Is there anyway I can go through all this again?  It’s so hard to put down the bitterness and anger and stay positive and hopeful.  When we found out that Clendon had cancer, I remember someone telling me, “Remember that God doesn’t give you anything you’re not strong enough to handle, and I’m beginning to think that you guys are one strong family.”  Well, I’m tired of being so strong.  For once I just want to throw up my arms and say, “I quit.”  But, I can’t.  I love my brother too much to do that.  That would be the easy thing to do . . . things most friends would do because they just don’t know what to say or do.  But, I’m more than a friend. . . I’m his sister.  And, in those happy moments playing football in the backyard, I’m hoping that is what my kids are learning.

            Sweet is the voice of a sister in the season of sorrow. ~ Benjamin Disraeli

            When mom & dad don’t understand, a sister always will. ~ Unknown

Help your brother’s boat across, and your own will reach the shore. ~ Hindu Proverb

            The mildest, drowsiest sister has been known to turn tiger if her sibling is in trouble. ~ Clara Ortega

A brother is a friend given by Nature. ~ Jean Baptiste Legouve

            I sought my soul, but my soul I could not see.

I sought my God, but my God eluded me.

I sought my brother and found all three. ~ Unknown

            All for one and one for all

            My brother and my friend

            What fun we have

            The times we share

            Siblings ‘til the end. ~ Unknown

            A sibling may be the keeper of one’s identity, the only person with the keys to one’s unfettered, more fundamental self. ~ Marian Sadmaier

            To the outside world we all grow old.  But not to brothers and sisters.  We know each other as we always were.  We know each other’s hearts.  We share private family jokes.  We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys.  We live outside the touch of time.  ~ Clara Ortega

            There’s no other love like the love for a brother.

            There’s no other love like the love from a brother. ~ Astrid Alauda

             Blessed is the servant who loves his brother as much as when he is sick and useless as when he is well and is of service to him. ~ St. Francis of Assisi

What Is Chocolate Rain?

My husband has been going around for months singing in a deep bellow, “Chocolate Rain.”  It has been somewhat annoying, but just as annoying has been the begging, “You’ve just got to see the video of Chocolate Rain.”  Well, I guess I have been living in the dark the last several months because supposedly this “Chocolate Rain” is “IT.”  “IT” to me was just some crazy, facile video with some deep voiced guy just saying crazy random lyrics, and I’m not into the type of humor that just doesn’t make sense.  Even though “Chocolate Rain” might just be that simplistic song to many people, I had a grave misunderstanding of Chocolate Rain.  So, what is Chocolate Rain?  Simply, it is a song/video on YouTube of a young man with an extremely deep hypnotizing voice.  But, what struck me is the depth of the words behind the voice.  Here are the lyrics:

Chocolate Rain - Some stay dry and others feel the pain
Chocolate Rain - A baby born will die before the sin
Chocolate Rain - The school books say it can't be here again
Chocolate Rain - The prisons make you wonder where it went
Chocolate Rain - Build a tent and say the world is dry
Chocolate Rain - Zoom the camera out and see the lie
Chocolate Rain - Forecast to be falling yesterday
Chocolate Rain - Only in the past is what they say
Chocolate Rain - Raised your neighborhood insurance rates
Chocolate Rain - Makes us happy 'livin in a gate
Chocolate Rain - Made me cross the street the other day
Chocolate Rain - Made you turn your head the other way

Chocolate Rain - History quickly crashing through your veins
Chocolate Rain - Using you to fall back down again
Chocolate Rain - History quickly crashing through your veins
Chocolate Rain - Using you to fall back down again

Chocolate Rain - Seldom mentioned on the radio
Chocolate Rain - Its the fear your leaders call control
Chocolate Rain - Worse than swearing worse than calling names
Chocolate Rain - Say it publicly and you're insane
Chocolate Rain - No one wants to hear about it now
Chocolate Rain - Wish real hard it goes away somehow
Chocolate Rain - Makes the best of friends begin to fight
Chocolate Rain - But did they know each other in the light?
Chocolate Rain - Every February washed away
Chocolate Rain - Stays behind as colors celebrate
Chocolate Rain - The same crime has a higher price to pay
Chocolate Rain - The judge and jury swear it's not the face

Chocolate Rain - History quickly crashing through your veins
Chocolate Rain - Using you to fall back down again
Chocolate Rain - History quickly crashing through your veins
Chocolate Rain - Using you to fall back down again

Chocolate Rain - Dirty secrets of economy
Chocolate Rain - Turns that body into GDP
Chocolate Rain - The bell curve blames the baby's DNA
Chocolate Rain - But test scores are how much the parents make
Chocolate Rain - 'Flippin cars in France the other night
Chocolate Rain - Cleans the sewers out beneath Mumbai
Chocolate Rain - 'Cross the world and back its all the same
Chocolate Rain - Angels cry and shake their heads in shame
Chocolate Rain - Lifts the ark of paradise in sin
Chocolate Rain - Which part do you think you're 'livin in?
Chocolate Rain - More than 'marchin more than passing law
Chocolate Rain - Remake how we got to where we are.

So, by digging a little deeper, I found out that there was so much more to this ‘crazy’ video.  But, I like to dig even deeper, so I did.  Also on YouTube I found an interview of Tay Zonday, the writer and singer of “Chocolate Rain.”  In the midst of the predictable questions, there were two statements he made that caused me to give this song even more profound meaning.  The song started taking on many different layers for me.  Of course the song obviously takes on a claim that racism that is still prevalent in the world today even though we claim it is only in the past and we do not see it in today’s society.  However, Tay Zonday talked about the meaning of ‘Chocolate Rain’ in the aforementioned interview.  He stated that chocolate rain isn’t something that is so dogmatic that you can put your finger on it and explain . . . “this is what chocolate rain is.”  He said that in our society, everything has to have a conclusion; that our history is a history of conclusions.  He liked to compare chocolate rain to the 1980’s thought of ‘The Never Ending Story’ where chocolate rain is nothing.  It’s a question.  It’s a force.  It’s a force or question that not only affects your actions but also your thoughts, and that force can be different for each and every person.  He explained that everyone should let chocolate rain come to its own conclusion to what it is for themselves.

That is when it hit me.

If I digress for a moment, I think of the word chauvinist.  When hearing that word, everyone immediately thinks about how men view they are better than women.  That is a very direct use of the word, even though the word is much broader than that.  A chauvinist can be used to describe anyone that has a judgment or an opinion about a person. I have read that the word does not require the judgment to be right or wrong in the chauvinist’s opinion, only that the chauvinist is blind and unreasoning in coming to the opinion.  The chauvinist also ignores any facts which might counter his feelings.  Taking this definition in correlation with the song, when someone has a chauvinistic view we see many events that are described in the song – it doesn’t just have to be about the color.

Having children has really opened my eyes to see that so many people have a prejudice or a bias about something or some type of person.  It doesn’t have to be JUST about color.  We judge so many people for so many different things.  We really do put up a tent and say the world is dry when there is so much judgment raining all around us just lurking right beneath our noses.  We do it because we feel that we can have a little more control of our own lives when we pass judgment on others.  And, that right there is our sub-conscious excuse of the chocolate rain that we cause to rain down on the world, and we often allow that excuse to “use us to fall again,” and again and again.  We create the weather pattern.  And, we sub-consciously allow it to continue believing that we are not judging.  How often do we say,

            “Oh, that is so typical of that type of person.”

            “Ugh, look what kind of person we got to serve us.”

What do I have to be thankful for? Are you kidding me??? I can tell you plenty that I can be grumpy for, and I know I'm not alone. There is so much going on in the world that we all have our lists of complaints and agonies. There are way too many issues facing each and every one of us. And believe me, I have my fair share of adversities facing me right now. In fact, I've been trying to repeat over and over in my head "He will not give me more than I can bear. He will not give me more than I can bear. He will not give me more than I can bear." Then, He loads on more and I think, "That's it . . . that is all I can bear" . . . only to turn the corner for even more. When will it stop? When will all the pain and all the adversity and all the brokenness be made whole? It's got to stop, right? How long can I hold on and pretend to be strong when inside I just want to scream, "LORD, LET ME OUT OF THIS. GET ME OUT NOW!!!"

Attempting to have some semblance of normalcy in my morning after getting more bad news over night, I went about the normal routine of replying to emails, reviewing work and approving expenses all the while putting forth great effort to block the banter and screaming in my own head. In doing this, I ran across my daily email from Prime Time With God. Normally on a morning like this I would save that email and announce to myself I would read it later - knowing I seldom return to those emails. This morning was one of those busy days. . . I was getting ready for a Director's Meeting wondering if I needed to print drafts of the budget and trying to remember what else I needed to prepare for the meeting. Needless to say, this wasn't a morning that I would have time for reading emails like that, but I thought, "Hey, yesterday's devotion was exactly what I needed. It was as if they sent that to me knowing what all I was going through. Maybe today is the same thing and since there are more horrible things that have come up since yesterday, today's devotion will probably knock me off my feet." So, I opened the email and started to read the prayer. This is what I read . . .

"Dear Lord, The Book of James (chapter 3) tells me all about the tongue. It's such a little member of the body, but it can do so much harm. We can speak words that bless You and words that curse man who is made in Your image. A few words can uplift, encourage, and do positive things in a person's life and a few words can also put down, discourage, and ruin a person's life."

I thought, "Heh, I just thought this would encourage me today. Guess I was wrong. I really needed something, but oh well."

But, I kept reading . . .

"Please forgive me of allowing any words to leave my mouth that would harm others and dishonor You. I pray that my words will be honest and positive; that they will inspire and challenge others to greatness. Show me who You want me to encourage through my words today. Please help me to affirm someone close to me today, that they will be blessed and You will be glorified. In Jesus' name I pray, amen."

Even though that wasn't the encouragement I was looking for, it did get me to thinking. I had not one happy or encouraging word for myself this morning, so I definitely didn't have anything to share. But yet, I do. . . we all do. Life may be rotten to the core, but I can still share a happy word. Right after I read that I received a call from a friend. That friend didn't know the latest word of my trials, but yet God used her kind words and they inspired me and challenged me to share kind words even in the midst of all the trials I'm going through. Later in the afternoon I finished reading the devotion. There was an excerpt from a comment that George Mueller had said back in the 1800's. I read, "The love of money was gone, the love of place was gone, the love of position was gone, and the love of worldly pleasures and engagements was gone. God, God alone became my portion. I found my all in Him; I wanted nothing else. And by the grace of God this has remained, and has made me a happy man, an exceedingly happy man, and it led me to care only about the things of God."

So, going into Thanksgiving, there is so much I could complain about, but amidst the negative around me I have to realize that I have so much to be thankful for. I am not ungrateful for the worldly pleasures that God has blessed me with like money, place and position because God has blessed me tremendously and I can't ignore that, but the things that I am truly thankful for have much more depth than those worldly treasures. I'm thankful that the grace of God has remained with me even when I'm bitter and angry and complain about the worldly adversities. I'm thankful that like the worldly treasures, these worldly troubles that I'm going through are also temporary. I'm thankful that I have friends and family that are there when I need an encouraging word. I'm also thankful that God will use these troubles in a way that is pleasing to Him. I'm thankful that we all can be a part of His plan. I'm thankful that He is there for me to lean on. I'm thankful that HE is the one in charge and I can give it ALL to Him. I am thankful that there really is so much to be thankful for.

So, basically I'm doing this to see who knows who better since I STUNK it up on Mikki's quiz, but  . . . how well do YOU know me?  Take this survey and see.  I'll put answers up in another blog later, but post your score below and then check back later to see if you were right.

Easy ones . . . 2 points each
1.  What's my middle name?
2.  What is my maiden name?
3.  How many children do I have?
4.  How long have I been married?
5.  How long did I know my husband before we were married?

Unimportant . . . 2 points each
6.  Can you name the two colleges I attended?
7.  Can you name my pets?
8.  Can you name the street I live on?
9.  How many cars have I owned? (Not including high school.)
10.How many times have Graylan & I moved?

Important . . . 5 points each
11.When did Graylan ask me to marry him?
12.What two collegiate records do I hold? (I think I still hold them.)
13.What two degrees and two majors do I have? (No cheating!)
14.How long have I been with my current employer?
15.Who's testimony opened my heart & made me realize I need Christ?

Fun Ones . . . 5 points each
16.What is my favorite color?
17.What did Graylan & I do on our first date? (Don't be dirty.)
18.What TWO sports did I play in HIGH SCHOOL?
19.What is one of my two favorite smells?
20.What TV show is the only one I have been willing to buy the series on DVD's?

A little harder . . . 10 points each
21.Whom do I admire most in life because of their faith?
22.Where did Graylan & I find our daughter's first and middle name?
23.What did I get my only spanking in school for?

How do you know this? . . . 20 points each
24.What was my nickname in Jr. High?
25.Who threw me my first ever birthday party with friends?

HOW DID YOU DO?